something or other

2004-11-13T13:25:00.000+11:00

My blog is dying. Or i think it may have already died. So long, fellow bloggers

This is my life

2004-10-26T18:40:00.000+10:00

I haven't blogged for ages because well, school's back and I couldn't be bothered to.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and finding my 'identity' cuz I kinda lost myself a while ago and I'm trying to get me back again. I can't really explain it, I guess it's just one of those teenage things that you have to face in your life. But at least I'm looking and not relying on other people to dictate who I am and what I feel.

I found the perfect website the other day. It's the Whitehouse Design Institute and ...ah it's just so great. All I have to do is get a job (who knows where) and save up for a workshop or short course! I'm so happy :) la la la

Meh, on the homefront, life is as usual. I was astonished to find that my mom made meatloaf for dinner on Sunday - how American. I also finished my prac for textiles today. must say that my skirt and top look pretty darn good and fit me perfectly. I need a haircut. my ponytail keeps getting stuck in the back of my awful schooldress collar. when i'm a famous fashion designer, i'll make sure i don't forget the poor Brigidines who have to suffer in their outdated sack dresses. i'll even fund the operation myself if i have to...

On the God side of things, I'm encouraged, but two of my friends don't even believe in God (they seem to think He's only for very young or old people who become nuns or something) Briony tried to tell our group today that we're lacking in morals/ethics and she got bom.barded with stuff like "the world is full of bitches. you have to be one to survive" and "get over it Briony! there is no God!". At least she knows I'm with her on the topic, but what am i gonna do when she leaves at the end of the year and i'm stuck with a group of unethical slluts?

2004-10-17T09:44:00.000+10:00

When I came here to right my blog, I felt like complaining. But then I was like...um... what should I complain about?
I was reading yesterday and halfway through a random sentence, I just closed my eyes and started thanking God that I was so priveleged to have books, eyes to see, and that I know how to read. I prayed for the people who have so few luxuries in their lives, yet still have it in them to be happy.
Some people in this modern-day are going back to the basics and falling behind with the fast-paced lifestyle. They prefer to live in simply furnished houses, with little or no electricity or even running water. I wonder how I'd like living in that way. Imagine just having so much time because you don't feel pressured to overload yourself with too much information. You could appreciate the natural beauty of the world that God created for us. There'd be more time for prayer, worship, for reading the Bible. And if you got bored - there'd be no computer or TV - so you could learn something new and broaden your skills.
Yeah, I think I'd like that a lot in fact...

Thriller

2004-10-08T15:51:00.000+10:00

Ah, that last post was just a tad lame.
I saw Suddenly 30 with Cath today. Really good but I wasn't too sure about Jennifer Garner's acting abilities. It just goes to show how even one bad choice in your life can just lead on to worse things and change your complete mindset (the movie, not Jennifer Garner's acting, just to clear things up)
Yay friday. I didn't even notice.
I've still gotta read my English book before term starts. Meh, maybe I should try and find it now.

Turramurra Dreaming

2004-10-07T18:03:00.000+10:00

The leaves on the ground were brown,
and the sky was grey.
I went for a walk
on a spring day
And got lost
and then I found my way
back home
along Pacific Highway.
Turramurra dreaming,
on such a [insert word here] day

Yep, I decided to get some exercise and ended up taking the road less travelled, while trying to puff my way up the hills and stop my legs from shaking on the downhills.
But other than that, I'm glad I got some fresh air and got those muscles working. I hadn't been out of the house for 3 days.

Hmmm yeah. That's all I got to say. And to those certain people out there who are boycotting the powerful world of Blogging (well, just getting sick of it anyway), look what you're missing out on...

People - this is what I was trying to say...

2004-10-07T13:25:00.000+10:00

i don't even know if anyone reads my blogs these days, but I though i would type this out anyway...because i need the practise.

People are just the most complicated, intricate designs. So many emotions, thoughts, hopes, faiths languages, ways of expressing themselves. So many days to live, so little done in that time. Always wondering about what they’re worth, if other people care, what other people are thinking, when the time is right. So many passions in life. No two people are the same – that special connection is made when there is an understanding of those emotions, thoughts, ways of expression. Being empathetic, rather than sympathetic. Sharing in the pain.

One of the best moments in my life was a time when I felt great pain. Pain for someone else.
It happened at soul survivor when I went up the front and the holy spirit came and filled me. I felt pain for that ‘one person’, another Christian who I could now see into deeply and actually experience what they were going through, their immense sense of hopelessness. The thing is, God hasn’t revealed that person to me yet – and I can only remember what I felt by reading what I wrote down that night.
The other time was feeling pain for a group of people in general. The poor.
I used to cry at night when I was a little because I felt the injustice of the poor people. Growing up in south Africa, I was always exposed to their stories and just seeing the pain and humiliation in their eyes as they begged at the traffic lights of every intersection – one baby tied to their back and two more either begging as well or sitting helplessly at the side of the road.
Those experiences of pain were horrible at the time, but it was like stepping into someone’s life – and I realised the true meaning of hope.

People are friends, families, lovers, workers, dreamers, explorers, thinkers, creators.

People need love. They can’t live without it and when they try to, they end up as selfish and soulless. When they are deprived of love, they feel lonely, worthless, ugly, sad, depressed, angry, unwanted, hopeless.

People need reasons. They all need a purpose and a point to life. They care about the WHY? Questions the most. The questions that are the hardest to answer. They look in the wrong places for the answers. Some don’t even ask the questions because they are afraid of the answers or don’t want to be arded with different answers.

People crave knowledge. There’s always some new useless tidbit of information to store away into a tiny compartment in their brains labelled “I might need this someday…”

People change. Some want to be different from everyone else. Some want to go with the flow or live structured ‘normal’ lives. Some just want the happy medium. Why do we have to want? If we didn’t want anything, we’d never have a reason to change. But sometimes we’re forced to change. Circumstances change and we often can’t change the circumstances so we have to change ourselves instead.

Languages are one of my passions. Like a family tree all connected up and branching off. Words can be so full of meaning, so descriptive, so image-full and they can be empty and meaningless.
‘Normal’ is a word that I really wish didn’t exist. It’s like ‘perfect’ – it all depends on your perspective and your attitudes. The reason I don’t like ‘normal’ is that people who are calling themselves ‘normal’ are implying that they are the majority, the rulers, the better people. If everyone was ‘normal’ they would be “conforming, adhering to, or constituting a usual or typical pattern, standard, level or type” (from the dictionary) I suppose you could say there are ‘normal’ people in every different type of race, religion, language, ethnicity etc.

people express themselves in so many ways. Creatively, through singing, writing, dancing, painting, sculpting. They speak, use sign language, send letters, emails, faxes, smses, talk on msn. In order to understand what someone is trying to express, you have to know them, and how can you know them if you don’t understand them?
Silence is an expression too. It works when people can ‘feel’ what another person is thinking/feeling/going through. When they just…know.

People can hurt other people when they don’t communicate with them. Ignorance can be worse than insulting, harsh words. If people don’t even make the effort, it gives the message that they just don’t care. They don’t love people just as they are.

I though I’d found a soul mate or at least a best friend. Someone who knew what I was feeling and would support me all the way. We hardly ever speak to each other anymore and all relationships need communication if they’re going to work.
Maybe my true soul mate or even just best friend, is staring me in the face and I don’t even know it. But there’s always something deeper than friendship. Maybe I’m sick of just friends. Maybe I want something more, something deeper that is never fake. Love. Last time I wanted it, it turned out all wrong. Everything that I had believed in had flown out the door when that new person entered my life, someone I thought I loved, but really knew that I didn’t love.

A lot of these things about people are the things that love to buzz around my head at night when I’m trying to sleep. I wish I could just turn my brain off because while these thoughts challenge me to dig deeper, I still miss out on valuable recharge time and then my brain doesn’t work in the daylight hours. And my heart isn’t fully into things.

My dreams are my escape.
“Seams bind things together. There are invisible seams between people. Our dreams use our waking thoughts to stitch our memories to us.” Secrets in the Fire.

just blah

2004-10-06T15:49:00.000+10:00

If you ever want to read a good book, read one that's by Sharon Creech. I've only read three of them, Walk Two Moons, Chasing Redbird and Bloomability, but they're all really great.

I just read Bloomability for the second time and it reminded me a lot of myself. The gurl in the story moves to a new country with people she hardly knows and it's interesting to see the way she adapts.

Blah, that's just my mood right now. I wish I could have gone out with friends today, but I'm a prisoner in my own house (not to mention my own head)

I think too much. It doesn't normally stop me from doing things, but my brain gets overloaded and I can't sleep at night. I used to think of myself as an insomniac, but that is a bit of an exaggeration. Five days left of the holidays and I really can't say I've achieved much. Except for realising that I utterly h8 being a teenager and I can't wait to grow up and be free of all the teenage problems.

Hmmm...what can I do in my five days that is significant? Exercise? Probably should do some of that. Go someplace with friends? Well, yeah probably on saturday. Read my English book for next term? If I can find where it's buried in my cupboard. Clean my room? NO! cuz HA I've already done that!!!!

People.......or not!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-10-04T22:13:00.000+10:00

well then stupid blogger, just delete all my work,i dont care!!!!!!!

i just spent like half an hour typing that and 'poof' it disappears

maybe i'll feel energetic ebough to rewrite it tomorrow
ARRRGGGHHHH

Egypthianth were pthycoeth

2004-10-04T19:01:00.000+10:00

(Egyptians were psychoes)
Cath and I were on a high for the whole day today. You know, singing random songs in opera voices, doing the actions to songs in the car and tripping all over the place in the mall. Many personal jokes were made up today.
I got out of tidying my room this morning... by doing it the night before. Cleaning my room always seems easier and takes less time if I do it really late at night (it's just tough luck that my parents' room is next door and all they can hear is me, crashing around). It's amazing all the things I found which I thought were lost forever..
I drew the plan of the house my parents went to 'view' today. Glad I decided not to become an architect a while ago, cuz it took me ages. And my hands are all shakey so it was even worse than it could have been. Must be a sugar low.
*sigh* I'm hungry

Well, what can I say?

2004-10-02T15:12:00.000+10:00

Things are going good.
Yesterday, Christina and I saw Wimbledon at Hornsby and wandered round the shops buying cheapo stuff. It was kinda fun. Apart from the fact that I couldn't try on this nice pink formal dress at David Jones because none of the Fitting Rooms were open. I'm a sucker for dresses. Especially formal dresses. They're all flowey (flowy?) and silky and shimmery and ...ahh I just love them. So today I woke up in the afternoonal hours again and did stuff.
Cathy is so funny. She was baking some choc chip cookies and just herself with laughter at the recipe. Like when it says 'Fold choc chips' and 'Drop mixture into tray' well, lets just say she took the meaning to be literal. Her favourite song at the moment is from a downloaded game called 'Icy Tower', it's really like funky and jazzy.
I'm actually kinda glad I didn't go to BlackStump. Those poor s got all soaked yeaterday and ended up 'camping' at Ashleigh's gran's house. I spoke to a lot of them last night through Mel's mobile.

Hmm..I think I'll stop there, I'm starting to waffle.

The Secret of Contentment

2004-09-30T15:28:00.000+10:00

God is so good. I'm feeling way better than I did the other day.
I finally finished the little booklet thing that we got on Ernie Camp on Phillippians. I've realised that I chase wordly things, looking for contentment but not finding any. True contentment can only come from God and all that really matters is Him. I got to stop focussing on myself - how I look, what clothes I wear, what I eat, what other people think of me, and focus on God. Also, to put others before me because Jesus said that I whatever I do for the least of his brothers, I do for him. Paul went through the many highs and lows of life, but he was content with whatever circumstances he was in. I've never been flogged to within an inch of my life, shipwrecked, imprisoned or stoned! Paul went through all that, and the one thing that was constant for him while he was a fugitive, was Christ. There's a passage in Proverbs, I think it's 30:7, that says give me neither riches nor poverty, but only my daily bread. It makes me think of Miss Honey in Matilda, by Roald Dahl, who lives in a modest cottage, doesn't live a life of luxury, but is still happy dedicating her life to the children she teaches.
I only have a short time on this earth, so instead of always trying (and failing) to find something that will make me content, I should just live it all for God and grow His kingdom so that we can all one day share in His glory.

2004-09-28T21:07:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling really down right now and I don't know why.
We saw Princess Diaries 2 today, it was ok but I liked the first one better (the Michael guy was sooo hot).
I feel uncomfortable about myself - it's like I know I need to change something in my life, but I have no idea what it is. I'm going through life in a daze, not sure if everything that's happening to me is real. In some ways, I don't want it to be real. Because then it wouldn't matter.
I want to matter, feel as though I actually mean something to someone because they know me well enough to really love me.
I already have a reason, but it feels too far out of my reach to grasp. The reason + me + the others have to = one body.

Bathroom Cleaning

2004-09-27T16:19:00.000+10:00

This is like my third post today. Don't worry, I'm not addicted to blogging or nething, but it's the holidays and nothing much is happenning today, except for...bathroom cleaning.
Ugh. Whoever invented Pine-o-Cleen, was probably a man (and not the type of 'scrub the house til it sparkles' kind of man either). That stuff makes me cough real bad. And it stinks to high heaven too.
Why do cleaning things always have to smell like pine anyway? I mean, pine is an ok smell when you're taking a romantic walk through a wintry Alpine forest or something. But who wants their whole house to smell like it? And their car too? (I am talking about those little pinetree-shaped cardboard things that people hang from their rear view mirrors) And don't even get me started on Ocean Mist smells. When do oceans ever smell like anything other than salt, seaweed and the occasional sea creature? *sigh* the joys of scent

Train Tales

2004-09-27T15:26:00.000+10:00

Trains are big. They're also fast. And made of metal. But that's not why I like them.
I like them because I get to see so many people just as themselves. When a rain pulls up to the station, I look into the windows and see the profiles of all these people - businessmen in their suits, reading the newspaper and drinking takeaway coffee; hippy-type people with their long colourful skirts and heavy dangly earrings; young parents trying desperately to make their little kids shutup. But those are just the stereotypes. I like it best when people don't fit the mould and when I can't guess what kind of people they are by just looking at them. I think it's because I don't like being prejudiced and putting people into little labelled boxes. Once I'm in the train, I can listen to people's conversations with each other and get a glimpse of what they like and don't like. I can pray for them while I'm just sitting there looking out the window at the passing world.

EBN

2004-09-27T14:54:00.000+10:00

Wow. Saturday night was one of my best nights ever! (ok that sounds a bit...dodgy) It was Ernie's Big Night and our dance team danced. From the beginning, we were just fully into it and there was a real sense of the Spirit in the room. It was the first time I had performed and I must say, I loved it. The feeling was so good up there just dancing for the Lord. We were still dancing into the worship time. It was great seeing so many people being touched by the Holy Spirit and others coming to know Christ. YAY! Jesus is so awesome!!!

Last day of term 3

2004-09-25T11:40:00.000+10:00

Today was our last day of term three. And it was possibly the last day of school for Briony. She's going to New Zealand to live, but she doesn't know exactly when yet. We just mucked around for the whole day. Briony 'decorated' the corridor with toilet paper, we got drunk on cake and party food, wore our blazers inside out and just laughed at absolutely everything.
It was also our last science lesson with Mr Cumerford. Next term we've got Miss Pasfield (I know it sounds gross) and everyone in my class thinks she 'doesn't like' their guts. (why is it blocking the word '****' you know, starts with an 'h' and ends in 'ate'.)
Argh I'm so full of cake and sweets (I mean lollies...) and chocolate. I never though I'd say this, but I don't think I can eat chocolate for another week.

*sigh* The holidays. The time when I get to do all those things that I've procrastinated during the year. Um I don't think that makes sense. How about: It's the time when I get to do all those things that I haven't got round to doing yet during the rest of the year. Hmm, complicated but... yeah. There I go using those ......s again. Old habits never die. Is that a proverb or idiom or something? I'm in a weird sort of 'Englishey' mode.

That's all for now! (I think I should have PG rated this - we didn't actually get drunk on cake, but we got high on sugar and alcoholic-tasting cherries. Maybe that wasn't much better than what I said before)

The reason for Treemegz

2004-09-25T11:25:00.000+10:00

This is pretty random, but I wrote it down just after I'd finished reading 'Speak'. I just let it flow...

And even my thoughts won't speak to me.
I've known a softer form of Andy Evans.
The leaves need to be raked from my throat. I need to speak but what if I don't have anything to say? Shadows cross the moon, but I still have light. I still have someone. Green eyes or brown? And am I really a tree? Trees don't speak - they whisper. Their long, slender bodies are held by strong roots. These roots hold me down to what I know, what's safe, but I have no space to fly. I can't let go of this. You bought me freedom with your life but now I don't know how to use it. What if things had turned out differently? Would I be yearning for the past and everything in it?
I paint a tree to symbolise me, the bark is scarred, yet healing. I gain freedom when the wind blows. It moves my branches and peels off the layers of choking leaves.

Late night shopping

2004-09-24T10:17:00.000+10:00

It's Thursday again and that means shopping time! Tonight I need to get Cath a birthday present because she's turning 13 on Monday. How time flies... it seems like I turned 13 only yesterday. Christina came back to school today but no random science lesson because she had to write her test.

Hmmm...I'm still trying to work out what I want to do with my life. So far, my list of options looks like this: interior designer, graphic designer, fashion designer, fabric person thingo, missionary person/bible translator, chef, hotel manager, furniture designer. I dunno. But I've changed my French elective to DT. Hopefully I can still learn it outside school though - I really love French and it will come in handy one day.

I figured out that I use to many ... things so I've decided to change my habit right now...
Psht don't worry about me I'm just fine...

No, but seriously, I was on the biggest sugar/caffeine high last night. All I ate was coffee syrup stuff (let me tell you, it doesn't taste that great on strawberries) but I was zooming around like a high person.

Ahhhh when can we leave? I wanna go shopping!

Back on track again

2004-09-23T15:15:00.000+10:00

Hmm... The last time I posted a blog, I was sick. Well, I'm partially better now after what, 3 months of being sick?
A lot has happened since I last blogged but I can't be bothered going into any details. It's really difficult typing this because I've got the keyboard on top of my dad's laptop. It's also rather uncomfortable.

Two days til the end of term and I still haven't quite figured out what I'm supposed to have learnt in Geography this semester. Something about change in Australia? Well, if you're talking about change in people, that is something I can relate to. I mean, I've changed quite a lot since last year:

Last year - going out with 'that guy', in South Africa, had natural hair colour, 3 close friends who stabbed me in the back, wasn't really committed to being a Christian, etc. This year - single, in Australia, got dyed/highlighted hair (major signs of regrowth I can tell you...), a lot of good friends and some really close friends and I've finally realised my identity as a Christian.

Today, I walked to the bus stop which is 1 432 steps away from my house (hey I didn't count them, it was Cathy). That doesn't seem like far, but here in Turramurra, there are some pretty steep hills and my high shoes didn't seem to help either. I'm also scared of being ambushed by angry residents, because part of our short cut involves walking along their driveways (there are numerous 'Private Property' signs along the way, but that didn't deter me...). So, boarding the bus I was told by the 16 yr old birthday boy, Michael, from NBCS, that we (the Brigo people) should sit further forward and that this bus was theirs. Well, we were pretty outraged by that comment, even if it was his birthday, what right does he have to claim the whole bus for himself and his female followers? I say we start a revolution. Starting tomorrow...

Christina was sick AGAIN today. She's never sick, probably because her parents don't allow her to eat any junk food at home (which she makes up for at school, I can assure you) and she's a really fit little bugger. She does athletics, soccer, hockey, who knows what else. But I miss the random times in Science class and the boring times in Geography where we get to pass notes to each other.

I think I should end it here for today. My parents are nearly back from homegroup and I doubt they'll be happy to see me up so late on a school night.

Confession #1

2004-07-31T11:52:00.000+10:00

I found this amusing word in the dictionary the other day:

metalanguage n. 1 form of language used to discuss language. 2 system of propositions about propositions.

It's like one of those infinite things you learn about in maths or when you're looking in those double mirrors and you just get repeated infinitely. Today was just another one of those days. Me saving Christina's behind in English so we don't get separated and Hayan's last day at Brigo. It's kinda weird that she's leaving cuz it makes me realise how long I've actually been at this school for. It's already term 3 and I know most of the people's names in my year at least.
Our small group meeting was so funny last night. Jodie gave us all 'lessons' and we had a chocolate fondue. I've been deprived of chocolate lately so that was like heaven for me. I'm reading "Fat Boy Saves World" now. It's really good and kinda weird that I read two books in a row about people that hardly ever spoke...
Yay it's the weekend!! And I don't have to get all stressed and busy like last weekend. I barely had time to breathe. But here I am, home on a Friday night writing a blog. My life can be so interesting at times it's just incredible.
I just realised that that Robbie Williams song I've been hearing for ages is actually really good. "Come and hold my hand, I wanna contact the living" It's like he's not alive and reminiscing about his life or something.
I love life's revelations - especially when they're at the most random times. Like in the middle of English class when I started smiling and staring at a leaf outside...

Speak

2004-07-29T10:52:00.000+10:00

Yay, my first blog.

I stayed home today cuz I'm sick and read a really great book called Speak.
Hmmm...hopefully I'll be better tomorrow. That's all for now.